Disclaimer: 不想看到 悲伤 沉重 难过 失落等字眼的人 就到此为止吧。
关于寂寞。
寂寞和人数多寡没有关系。一群人在一起的时候也可能觉得孤单，一个人的时候也可以不寂寞。
我承认。我的内心是极度的寂寞。极度得让我觉得可怕。原因可能有很多。可能是没有兄弟姐妹，可能是七岁的时候就被迫离开熟悉的环境，可能是连续十四年过了没有亲戚的新年，可能是被狠狠的排斥过，可能是双亲由始至终都在全职工作着。身边重要的人成为重要的人之后不是离开了就是快要离开了。没有一个原因是特别的，因为每个人至少都会经历过其中的一两个。但是所有的因素加起来的后果到底是什么。
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友人说，看我平常一副嘻嘻哈哈乐天派的样子，没想到部落格会是这么的沉重。文字本来就是我用来发泄的工具，没有必要为了吸引任何人而去包装点缀它。要简单很难。人都是复杂的。这本来就是这个部落格的宗旨和主题，只是很多人只顾着看内容而遗忘了。但这并不代表任何一个我不是我。不表示在别人面前的我就是伪装压抑的，也不表示文字里的我才是我。人是多面的。人群中的我就是活泼聒噪的，文字中的我就是沉静含蓄的。但是两个都是真实的真正的我。如果硬要挑出不一样的地方，那就只是一个人的我想得比较多，比较深而已。因为除了想，我找不到任何足以填满空间和空虚的东西。就像小学的我偷偷趁妈妈还没下班的空挡拼命看电视一样。我知道我并不是真的想看节目。是那寻求刺激的背后，无边的寂寞。
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没有人能够习惯寂寞。如果有，那也只是麻木而以。友人要我去唱歌的时候别再唱悲情歌了。说是听了让人很难过。但是因为难过而唱悲伤的歌，和因为唱悲伤的歌而难过是不一样的。我因寂寞而唱悲歌，友人因悲歌而难过。我的寂寞是根深蒂固的，不会因为唱悲伤的歌就不快乐，也不会因为唱快乐的歌就不悲伤。歌词和文字一样，都只是发泄的工具而已。歌词本来就是文字。但是我也没有唱下去了。
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很多人都说希望我快乐，却也没有告诉我要如何才能达到这一点。事实上，我也没有很不快乐。看过我的文字的人可能多少有错觉觉得我不快乐，但那是因为我只有在不快乐的时候才会用文字来表达，才会写得比较多。那些没有文字的日子，并不是一样带着文字里的心情在度过的。所以我也并不经常更新我的部落格。愿意一而再的浏览我的文字的人应该会越来越少。但我也不会因为这样而改变写作的风格和频率。可能有一天我会突然关闭这个小小的空间。可能我会删除留言板。但我还是我。不过那些曾经在留言板上留下字迹的人，确实让我感激感动过。虽然真的很少很少。
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一个人的成长过程决定他的性格和心灵。每个人从出生的那一刻起都需要肢体接触。我想被碰触。我想被拥抱。我想要一个真真实实，很温暖很真诚很宽容很疼惜的拥抱。而不是简讯里的照片中的触碰不到的文字鼓励和拥抱。因为我很寂寞。很多人愿意用文字和言语鼓励我，却从来没有给过我一个拥抱。他们并没有错，因为那些鼓励依然是真心真诚的。但是我的拥抱从来没有吝啬过。所有和我称得上朋友的人，都至少得到过一个我的拥抱。真正记得的人有几个呢。简单又很难。就像这个部落格里的文字一样。我会一直在你身边这样的话听起来让人感动，但也让我感到更加的寂寞。那些真正看过我的眼泪的人，都成了我身边很重要的一部分。他们很奇妙的都有一个共同点，总是毫不犹豫的给了我一个又一个的拥抱。然而，这些重要的部分已经慢慢的，一点一滴的开始从我的身边流失了。
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没有人能够告诉我怎样才能不寂寞。因为我的寂寞埋藏在内心深处。精神和心灵的寂寞不会因为多交了几个朋友，多找了几个伴侣而改变。它是根深蒂固的。如果有什么能做的，那就是学会和它并存的道理吧。
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我并不是天生爱寂寞 却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我 我还是一无所有
Labels: life58
(continue from last entry..)
Day 5:
Took the earliest train possible to Kyoto, about 40min. We bought the city bus one-day pass as there is only one single subway line in kyoto, which goes everywhere but the important places we wanna visit. Arrived at Kyomitsutera shrine 清水寺, one of the best known shrines in Kyoto, if not in the whole of Japan. There is this nice little walkway leading to the temple with traditional Kyoto shops selling okashi (japanese sweets) and souvenirs. There were some youngsters wearing kimonos, even the guys, and they look really cute!! The shrine was located on a hill, with different sub sections and the entire building was constructed solely using wood. Not a single nail or metal piece was used in the process. Too bad we chose a sunday, and in the golden week somemore, and we had a really hard time squeezing through the people.
After that we moved on to Higashi hongganji (东本愿寺) and nishi hongganji (西本愿寺), and there were much lesser people. Maybe these two shrines were less famous, but nevertheless still over a hundred years old. Lastly we took two buses to the second most famous temple in Kyoto, 金阁寺 (I forgot the Jap name for that). Basically the name came from the golden temple in the middle of the small lake, and apparently no one is allowed to go up the temple or else all the gold would be gone by now =p
Took a 1hr bus to Kyoto station and back to Osaka, before going to one of the outlets for some shopping. Managed to grap a nice jacket for 1050 yen, abt S$15. We found a really nice 24hr minimart near the hotel, where we settled most of our dinner. The bentos there are sold at half price once past 9pm, and just like what i have read in a book, a lot of Japanese will loitter around in the mart close to 9pm and follow the "sticker obasan" who goes around pasting half price stickers on the bentos. Had omelete rice for dinner =)
Day 6:
Went to Rinku Town premium outlets for more shopping early in the morning, as we are departig for Tokyo in the afternoon. It was really big, and resonably cheap. But still a bit expensive compared to the premium outlet in Vegas. Most of the local Jap brands are cheaper than those imported. Managed to grab a pair of Le Cock De Sportif sneakers and some more clothes. There were close to 180 shops in the outlet, and most of the stuff are 20-40% cheaper than retails.
We left at about 4pm with loads and loads of stuff and took the shinkansen again back to Tokyo. Shinkansen is no doubt the fastest mode of transport in Japan, but also the most expensive. A 2.5hr ride to Tokyo from Osaka cost about 15000 yen, which is about S$225. I think most of our money was spent on transport. But still, free and easy tour gave us a chance to try out ALL the different modes of transport in Japan.
Day 7:
Visited the Grand Palace gardens early in the morning, which was just below our new hotel. A pretty nice place i would say. Spent about 2hr walking around before moving to the 2nd most famous shrine in Japan, Asakusa Shrine 浅草寺. Just outside the Asakusa station you can see a row of shop houses lined with white paper lanterns and black words. There is also a narrow street leading to the shrine similar to that of Kyomitsutera shrine. The most prominent logo of Asakusa shrine is the gigantic red lantern with the words 雷门 written on it, weighing close to 200 tons. Managed to grab some souvenirs along the streets before setting off to the next station.
Took the subway for the nth time (we bought the one-day pass, finally) to Ginza, which is supposed to be the 'Orchard Road' in Japan. We went to the largest MUJI in Tokyo (3 storeys) and some other nearby shops before setting our lunch in a ramen shop. It was a typical but good ramen shop in Japan. First you have to select your food from a machine at the entrance and a ticket will be printed out when u pay. Then you are supposed to give the ticket to the chefs, who will in turn pass you a form for you to indicate the softness, saltiness, spicness of the noodles as well as the side dishes. The instruction for filling in of the forms comes in End, Chi and Korean, which was quite user friendly. There is also a cute machine infront of each seat for you to buy extra eggs 温泉蛋. You can put in 50 yen for half an egg and 100 for a full one. The soup is the traditional Jap soya miso kind, a bit salty but very rich. I added more chili to enhance the flavour.
After lunch we moved on to harajuku again for some last minute shopping. The last time i went most of the shops were already closed when we came out of DAISO. To my disappointment it was pouring heavily and i hardly found anything except for a pair of shorts. Shibuya and Harajuku are supposed to be the shopping paradise for youngsters as they are well known for cheap and super trandy clothes. It proved to be true. But after hunting in a few shops you will soon realize that most of the shops are selling similar kinds of clothes, and it it hard to find unique ones. Nevertheless im still able to grab some stuff in the midst of everything.
We left harajuku at 7pm for the nest stop, Odaiba 台场, which was near the Tokyo port. It is quite ulu as most of the subways do not pass there directly and we had to take a private train there. It was quite freezing at night due to the rain, and by the time we reached, the viewing platform for the famoud Rainbow Bridge 彩虹桥 was already closed. For your information, rainbow bridge is not rainbow coloured!! But still it looks bright and nice at night, which reminded me of the 情人桥 at 渔人码头 in tapei =）There was also a ferries wheel in the distance, which was instead rainbow coloured. We settled our dinner at yoshinoya, which proved to be not bad after all. There is even sukiyaki (jap dark sauce steamboat with udon and raw egg as dipping sauce). Yoshiniya is considered quite cheap in Japan, as it is like a fastfood restaurant. Had a hearty meal before going back to our hotel.
Day 8:
Left the hotel early in the morning and took two trains to Narita airport, before bidding goodbye to Japan.
Conclusion:
I certainly didnt expect myself to speak soooo much Jap there, all the way from buying tickets to booking hotels to order food to asking directions. Basically when i speak Eng, most of the Jap people dont really understand what i was saying, and i had to result to using Jap. And once i start to speak Jap, all the people started saying Jap to me, so the cycle continues. But really good practice i would say. I will never have so much chance to practice my Jap if i had gone with a tour agency instead.
Among all, the thing that left the deepest impression in my mind is the attitude of the service industry. All the hotel staff are very polite and greetings is a must each time they see us. When we went shopping, we are supposed to remove our shoes before going into the fitting room, and they even have head covers for the ladies to cover their faces before removing their clothes so as to protect their make up. And after paying for the stuff, they will pack everything nicely and even take your clothes to the entrance of the shop and bow to send you out. All the subway lines have a rule that says mobile phones are prohibited on the trains, so only messaging is allowed. So all the trains are super quiet all the time.
Lastly, it was quite a tiring journey especially for me, as i ended my papers just a day before the trip and i had almost no time to rest till these few days. Everyday is some what hectic as we have to rush to take trains and buses, especially when we are planning all the visits ourselves. I spent a lot of time asking and finding the places, and we have to wake up close to 530am everyday and only return to the hotels close to 11pm. But all in all, it is still a memorable experience for all of us as we really went to a lot of places that tour agencies will never take us to, such as the old hot spring. But i would say that travelling free and easy in Japan is not easy if you have absolutely zero command of Japanese.
Next stop: Hokkaido!
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Labels: life46 japan trip 2009
